For starters, I don’t have the largest social circle. I’m more of a “quality over quantity” person. But I do have this feeling of anxiety where I’m afraid that I might do or say something wrong that might cause my friends to leave me. Because what’s so interesting about me? I don’t know what it is about me that makes me a friend worth having.
Is it because of my sense of humour? My seemingly laid back demeanour? How do I stop my friends from forgetting me? I don’t mind being alone but I don’t to be completely alone.
I also have some superficial friends. Kinda. We hang out a lot but we don’t really talk a lot about ourselves or about anything personal, really. I mean, we’re still friends but I can honestly say that I don’t know them at a personal level and I wonder if it should bother me. We get along well but I don’t think that I can open up to them considering that they play their cards so close to their chest. I do appreciate them but I don’t know how to breach this wall that’s always been there. I’ll just have to content myself that we’re friends and hope that this friendship lasts.
I have a problem. I find it hard to decline or disappoint people. It’s been a problem in the past where I didn’t know how to reject someone because I just don’t want to hurt them. That includes social activities as well. Sometimes I just want to stay in or be alone but I don’t want to disappoint them. So I force myself to go out and eventually I do feel slightly better but not by much. I’m afraid that if I decline this time then they won’t want to hang out anymore. I’ve been through that before. That was hard and I had no idea at first but I began to realise that they just forgot about me.
I’ve always been longing for those lifelong friendships that you always see in movies or even read about. Stories of besties or childhood friends. I envy them a little but maybe there’s just something wrong with me? I can’t seem to find someone who understands and would tolerate me long enough. I guess I’ll just have to wait or find some friends that would hopefully last a lifetime ❤ *fingers crossed*