Fickle friendship

For starters, I don’t have the largest social circle. I’m more of a “quality over quantity” person. But I do have this feeling of anxiety where I’m afraid that I might do or say something wrong that might cause my friends to leave me. Because what’s so interesting about me? I don’t know what it is about me that makes me a friend worth having.

Is it because of my sense of humour? My seemingly laid back demeanour? How do I stop my friends from forgetting me? I don’t mind being alone but I don’t to be completely alone.

I also have some superficial friends. Kinda. We hang out a lot but we don’t really talk a lot about ourselves or about anything personal, really. I mean, we’re still friends but I can honestly say that I don’t know them at a personal level and I wonder if it should bother me. We get along well but I don’t think that I can open up to them considering that they play their cards so close to their chest. I do appreciate them but I don’t know how to breach this wall that’s always been there. I’ll just have to content myself that we’re friends and hope that this friendship lasts.

I have a problem. I find it hard to decline or disappoint people. It’s been a problem in the past where I didn’t know how to reject someone because I just don’t want to hurt them. That includes social activities as well. Sometimes I just want to stay in or be alone but I don’t want to disappoint them. So I force myself to go out and eventually I do feel slightly better but not by much. I’m afraid that if I decline this time then they won’t want to hang out anymore. I’ve been through that before. That was hard and I had no idea at first but I began to realise that they just forgot about me.

I’ve always been longing for those lifelong friendships that you always see in movies or even read about. Stories of besties or childhood friends. I envy them a little but maybe there’s just something wrong with me? I can’t seem to find someone who understands and would tolerate me long enough. I guess I’ll just have to wait or find some friends that would hopefully last a lifetime ❤ *fingers crossed*


3 thoughts on “Fickle friendship”

  1. I understand what you are describing. I’ve finally started to develop some friendships now that I’m in my early 40’s where I feel like we really connect and can be vulnerable with each other. I’ve often been jealous too of those who have friends from childhood who are super close and wondered if there was something wrong with me. And I also like to just stay in sometimes – I am an introvert and need to recharge. And when my children were small I turned down a lot of invites and had some friends eventually just drift away. So I understand your feelings of wondering what is wrong with you. But let me tell you based on my experience – there is nothing wrong with you. When you need to recharge – do it. Don’t feel bad.

    I wish I had some great advice for you on how to find that connection. For me I had to learn to be a bit more open. I realized that I was not being vulnerable because I was afraid of being rejected. Sometimes you will be rejected. I had to come to terms with that and admit it does hurt but I will recover and move on. And I had to be able to admit that I needed help sometimes. That is where I had to really start being vulnerable, taking chances and risking being hurt. I did not realize until recently how much I would refuse help from my friends who really love me and want to be there for me. And that hurt them sometimes. Friendship is complicated and risky at times – but when you do find those couple close friends it is so worth it. Keep looking. You will find it! And keep your eyes open, you may already have it and not even realize it. (And wow! I just wrote a book!) Hang in there and know that you are not alone. Sending you love! ❤

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